The buzz around town

The best thing I ever did for myself was buy my own place. Being a homeowner is way cool, although it comes with challenges.

I especially love not having any pests -- no pets, no nagging kids, no hyper-inquisitive parents, no slob roommate (no offense to any of the above with whom I have actually lived).

So, it's just me. And the pests.

In the year I have lived in my condo, I have battled ladybugs, mice (twice) and brown recluses. This morning, two wasps had beaten me to the breakfast table. Did I mention I have a borderline phobia of buzzing, stinging insects? After I tentatively helped them meet their unfortunate demise with a handy flip-flop, I finished getting ready for work. As I was leaving, I was horrified to see a wasp flying around my car. I managed to get in my car unstung, and I drove to work without incident. When I arrived at work, I had a stowaway! A wasp was on my car (Had it ridden the whole 20-minute drive? Surely not.) and was flying around my car, yet again. I watched in paralyzed fear as it crawled underneath the cover over my gas cap. Do I have dead wasps floating in my gas tank? I'm pretty sure my 30,000-mile powertrain warranty doesn't have a wasp clause.

So, today as I sit in my wasp-free office, I wonder:

• Will I have 30 angry wasps waiting for me when I get home?
• How do I let go of my progressing paranoia that a swarm of wasps will appear from out of nowhere and chase me into a lake?
• What pest is next? Ants? Cockroaches (a second near-phobia)? Beavers? Based on the influx of ducks and geese in Hendersonville around area lakes, if I wake up to the sound of enthusiastic honking in my guest bathroom, I'm totally moving.

I think it's time for an audit of pest-accessible holes in windows, doors or caulking. Also, a really big flyswatter.

These pests drive me a little bit bananas.