A dating revolution: The pursuit of being pursued

When I was growing up, I was taught a proper lady does not call boys.

I always thought it was to keep the phone bills low, which worked in everyone's favor. (After all, I used to have to pay my mother 10 cents every time I left the light on after I left a room. A kid learns real quick that way.)

But little did I know my mother knew best. She knew that men are biologically and genetically programmed to pursue women. It's their job. Since the dawn of time, since the first caveman saw a fur-clad cavewoman and clubbed her over the head and claimed her as his own, since women have been women and men have been men. It's how the Y chromosome works, I guess.

I don't remember this per se, but I'm pretty sure a time happened in which it was considered improper for a woman to approach a man with romantic affection, and definitely scandalous and unacceptable for her to offer herself to him. If a man wanted to see a lady, he would tell her that he fancied her, she would put on her gloves, open up her parasol, and they would go for a walk through a meadow. Perhaps he would recite some verses he had penned for her.

In the days of women's lib and burning bras, female CEOs, jet pilots and firefighters, and sperm banks, women can't be stopped. We've come a long, long way from parasols and walking in meadows. Thanks to all those brave women who paved a very smooth road for me. But while I have no problem picking a career path and elbowing men who compete against me, male-female relationships are a constant fascination that really haven't changed that much.

However, in recent generations (not that I was a part of any of those), I think we women have allowed men to become lazy and have allowed them to shirk their responsibilities as the pursuers. In my experience it is a rare, rare thing for a man to initiate much, much less pursue. Here are some examples that I have heard a lot from boyfriends, guy friends, casual acquaintances and male co-workers through the years. Ok girls, don't tell me some of these haven't worked on you. There's no shame.

Category 1: I'm trying to exert the least amount of effort possible.

"Call me sometime."
"I'm open to whatever."
"Text me sometime."
"Call me if you want to do something."
"It's fine if you want to come over."
"Call me if you get bored."

Category 2: I'm pretending to give you control of the situation, but I really just want to use as little brain power as possible.

"We can eat wherever you want."
"I like all the movies playing. You pick."
"You should choose my shirt because I don't know what to wear to that restaurant."
"Just turn the TV to whatever; I watch everything."

Category 3: You're hot enough for me make a 30 percent effort, but you have to come the rest of the way.

"Do you want to go out sometime? Yeah? Great, call me this weekend sometime and let me know what you want to do."
"Would you like to go to do something on Saturday? Yeah? Cool, can you call me Saturday and wake me up? If I don't pick up, can you come over and knock on the door real loud?"
"Hey, come over and we'll catch a movie. Actually, I'll just rent a movie. Actually, I had a free rental from Redbox, so the movie's on me - my treat. Oh, but can you pick up some takeout on your way over?"

Category 4: I pretend I'm doing you a favor, but I really just don't care that much.
"I don't want to pressure a girl, so I let her come to me."
"Girls don't like when guys approach them; they think it's creepy."
"I'm working a lot of things out right now. I don't want to involve her."
"It wouldn't work out; she's better off. She deserves better."
"She's not my type. Why lead her on?"
"I bet she has a boyfriend. They're probably in love. Why cause her pain by trying to break them up?"

I would venture a guess that most men would not perceive too much of this as negative. After all, a guy who lets a girl pick the restaurant, the movie, the TV channel AND his clothes seems ideal to many girls. But not me. My idea of a worthwhile date is when a guy sees me, approaches me, pursues me, and wants to show me a good time. That's his goal and he puts a plan into action. None of this "whatever you wanna do" nonsense. Shift brain into gear, please. What restaurant do you think I would like? Pick a movie you think would make me laugh. That time you cut your finger and I nearly passed out should be a clue not to pick "Saw IV" as our first movie date. That time I said I really like ice cream should be a clue to take me to get ice cream. If I have to hear "So now what do you want to do?" one more time, I am punching someone.

Am I asking too much?

No way.

It takes no effort for a dude to look at a woman, think about her naked, decide he wants to see her naked, and then have her make all the decisions about how fast he can get her naked. Sure, he's "down for whatever." Sure, he's fine with her coming over. He is only required to be conscious to be able to open the door, while she has to get ready, get in the car and drive over. He may or may not be wearing all of his clothes, or be concerned with personal hygiene, but who cares. No effort is required to get her over there. Sure, he likes all the movies playing. That's only two more hours he has to wait until he's closer to the possibility of getting her naked. Want to blow his mind? Don't let him.

I propose a relationship renaissance. Throwback to those times when women walked around with their ankles covered and batted their eyelashes at men. I definitely am not a fan of the layers of petticoats, whale-bone corsets, or arranged marriages, but a little bit of propriety and mystery went a long way once upon a time. Men are programmed to pursue, so let them. It's their job. Don't let them get away with partial effort. You're worth a phone call and a $10 movie ticket. It took me a long time to realize that being pursued is much more gratifying than calling guys, meeting up, having a great time, but then wondering why they weren't calling me. Then finally it dawned on me -- I was doing all the work for them.

I have seen this with tons of friends as well. So many of them are baffled.

I think this is a mistake a lot of women make. They pursue a man -- because they can. Sure, you can. Sure, you have a cell phone. Sure, you have a free Friday night. Hey, it's 2010, right? All of that walking-in-meadow crap is long gone.

No matter what the year is, men are still men, and women are still women. Styles, landscapes, seasons change -- biology doesn't. Emotions don't change. Women still want to be loved, and men still want, uhhh, whatever men want. I am confident men have always wanted -- and still want -- to pursue women, but they feel they don't need to. So they don't.

Guys, I hate to break it to you. I am not your last-minute entertainment. I am not your plans if you have nothing better to do. And I am not your alarm clock. I am not your day planner.

I want to see a little bit of effort. I'm worth it. And I promise it won't go unnoticed.